Find Happiness, "Don't Settle"- Steve Jobs

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." 

- Steve Jobs

Steve holding an iPhone 4 in 2010.
Source: Wikipedia

The entrepeneur, innovator, and artist Steve Jobs died yesterday. The world has lost a great person. I obviously never met him, but as an observer, what I always appreciated about Steve are his drive for perfection, unconventionality, and his down-to-earth personality. These attributes led to high-quality products that changed the world. I do not believe that is an exaggeration.

A few years ago, I was forwarded the text to his now famous 2005 commencement address for Stanford. Now that he is gone, people are quoting it in the media, and I read it again. There are some great statements in there about Steve's view of life that really ring true for me.

I also was inspired by the part where he talks about dealing with loss after being ousted from the company he founded:

"So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating."

I can relate to this sort of loss and humiliation. It's not like something was missing from my life, it is that my life didn't even seem to resemble what it once was. I had somehow skipped to a parallel universe of misery.

"I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life."

I don't know if this divorce is "the best thing that could have ever happened to me," but I do know that we don't always understand the reason that things happen while we are in the midst of them. Perhaps, someday, I will look back and see the reason behind this and how it all fits into the overall plan. Right now, I am experiencing that feeling of "being a beginner again, less sure about everything." It is uncomfortable in some aspects, but in others, it is liberating. It feels strange that anything good can come out of divorce, or any kind of loss; It is a time of rediscovery and growth for myself. I have accomplished things I had never imagined before.

Steve encouraged the graduates to strive for work and relationships (life) that will fulfill them. "If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." I love how Steve actually says, "don't settle," twice. It's important enough to keep striving for, and when one encounters problems on the way one must press on.

I know that inner peace is out there for me, and I won't give up. I have a fighting spirit that won't be kept down for long.

Weather the Storms

Life is rough. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. Sometimes I wish I could rewind back to a "happier" or "more innocent" time in my life, before some of my problems began. I imagine, despite my lack of life experience at the time, things were "better" then. I've even found myself wistfully looking in the mirror remembering younger days.  I've noticed lately that I can see my gray hairs in the mirror from a distance now- no squinting required!

The evidence of our past, rather than marring perfection, brings a beauty that comes from the richness of experience. Like a piece of furniture that gains from a certain amount of use and wear, we carry a unique fingerprint of our lives upon our bodies, and upon our very souls.

Life has a way of tearing us down and building us back up again. We are not the same afterward, but we are still whole and beautiful. I love this movie I found today via The Mary Sue, in which a little boat weathers many challenges and survives.

Little Boat from nelson boles on Vimeo.

Everyone has bad experiences and hardships. We can choose to carry the marks as ugly scars, or we can allow them make us more colorful and unique.

Weather the storms. Love who you have become. You are rare and wonderful.

Ready to Fly

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings."

-Victor Hugo, writer, artist, statesman

Photo by Les Dublin.
http://www.ojaigarden.com/2008/03/bluebirds.shtml

This whole divorce thing really knocked me for a loop. Someone unexpectedly came and shook the branch upon which I was sitting. I think I fell for a while, maybe hitting a few branches on the way down, forgetting to sing, screeching in alarm.

I'm not sure, but I don't think I hit the bottom. I think I managed to thrash and struggle enough to avoid hitting the pavement. I'm still floundering around as I get my bearings. I have good days and bad days.

On my good days, I feel that I can get through this. I remember who I am inside and that I am whole, despite being injured. I am more than the something bad that has happened to me; It does not define me.

On my bad days, I have to remind myself of that.

I will fly back up to the treetop. My strength will come from the knowledge that I have the spirit to survive. I will have confidence to alight on the branch again, knowing I can weather what comes next. My wits will be sharp, and I will be ready to fly. 

I Want To Give Up

Some days it is so hard to keep my chin up. It seems like there are so many hurdles in my way. I am so tired of trying so hard for every single thing. I want to curl up on the floor and lie there for a long, long time. I wish someone would put me out of my misery. I could run away and leave my troubles behind.... right now.  Just take off running and not stop for a while.

Then, I start feeling a little foolish. It is not that bad. No one died- even though it feels like it. I still have my beautiful children. We have a place to live. I have a job. Things could be way worse.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_sep2006/DontEverGiveUp.htm

After a while, I stop imagining myself escaping from my troubles and lamenting my situation, but I still feel unfortunate and a trifle beat up. It's so hard to motivate myself to keep going. I have to stop looking about me at what is wrong, and look ahead to when things will be better, to what I want after this whole mess is behind me. If I can just stick it out long enough, the pain will go away and I'll be so glad I didn't give up.

I have dark days sometimes.  Sad, depressed, angry, resentful, jealous. I just have to remember the sun will come back.

Don't Quit: Inspiration to Persist Through Divorce, Grief, Depression

Some days, it's really hard for me to maintain that internal motivation that keeps me going.  I stop what I am doing and start looking at my situation with pessimism or doubt. It's really difficult to focus on the future.  I came across this poem recently on a day when I really needed the message. I think anyone going through divorce or any difficult life changes could find a little inspiration from reading it.

Don't Quit

Jill Wolf

Don't quit when the tide is lowest, 

For it's just about to turn,

Don't quit over doubts and questions,

For there's something you may learn,

Don't quit when the night is darkest,

For it's just a while 'til dawn;

Don't quit when you've run the the farthest,

For the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest,

For your goal is almost nigh;

Don't quit, for you're not a failure,

Until you fail to try.

Conan O'Brian Speaks on Failure and Re-Invention

“It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

- Conan O'Brien

Nearly two years ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. To me, it seemed my world was imploding and there was nothing I could do to keep it standing. He had figuratively pulled the rug out from under my feet and I fell flat on my face. I felt as if he had destroyed the life we had made, and had stolen my happiness away.

Conan O'Brien recently delivered a commencement address at Dartmouth College, in which he spoke about how his life had unexpectedly changed and how he turned it into an opportunity for growth that he had never expected.

“Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things...I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what...it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged, and this is important ---- had more conviction about what I was doing." 

(18:23 minutes into the video)

After separating from my husband, I felt lost and directionless for a long time. Not having a goal is one of the most frustrating things. I remember thinking, I wish I knew what to do. I would just do it! But there is no guidebook and no one can tell me what to do, because every divorce is unique. In contrast to the normal way I made decisions, I had to react impulsively and think in the short-term without a plan.

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized  

(19:33 minutes into the video)."

Living in the moment, as I have been forced to do, has been a good exercise for me. I think it has helped me to appreciate the little things, and to seek out simple pleasures, and be more spontaneous. I put off worrying about some things and discovered that life still went on.

Though I did not seek to cut ties with my ex, I have discovered there were some shackles I was glad to have severed.  Some of them, I came to realize, were self-imposed and some were even previously unknown to me. Realizing some of these limitations has allowed me to free myself.

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention."

(21:12 minutes into the video)

In some ways, I am re-inventing myself. I am a single mom. I am a divorcée. I answer to myself, now. But I would also argue that I am mainly rediscovering the self that has been hidden and pushed aside. I am taking up some of my old interests. I am accomplishing goals I had set for myself in the past. I am allowing myself to change things that have been bothering me for a while.

"The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

(22:19 minutes into the video)

This idea really appeals to my sense of balance- like yin and yang. I really have an optimism that something good always comes from the bad. "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  I'm still working through this process, but I am starting to get a little clarity as I get more distance from the initial crisis.

"At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen."

(23:27 minutes into the video)

Divorce is such an ugly thing.  It saps your energy, and there are times when I feel like I want to roll over and die.  Just getting up in the morning takes so much effort.  One of the things that keeps me going is my belief that good things will happen if I "just keep on keepin' on."  And kindness goes a long way.  Sometimes I have to make a supreme effort to contain my emotions in this situation.  I do it for my children, and I do it for me, too.  I want to know when this is all over, that I acted honorably and did my best.  In the midst of the pain and anger of disappointment, I have the determination and fighting spirit within me to always be working toward something better.  I must keep working on zanshin, and I will be ready for the "amazing things" to come.

What is Zanshin?

Zanshin is written as two Japanese characters,  "残" (zan) and "心" (shin). These mean "remaining" or "lingering" and "spirit" (or "mind") respectively. 

In my first post on this blog, I talked a little bit about what meaning I give to the word zanshin.

"To me, zanshin also conveys the "fighting spirit" of the individual after the fight is over.  If victorious, there is a forward-looking awareness that does not lose focus by the victory.  If defeated, there is an indomitable spirit that is evident, with honor and grace."

For me, this blog represents a way to share my efforts to maintain my fighting spirit in the wake of separation and divorce.  Despite the pain and misery I go through, I resolve to look ahead with optimism and stay the course.  I will share the ways that I have found to cope with my feelings of anger and grief in a positive way.  It is my hope that the flashes of beauty and light to be found as I navigate my new life will bring inspiration to others who may be going through difficult times.

Today I want to talk a little more about the definition of zanshin.  I started looking around online for more information, and I was surprised to find quite a few other blogs with zanshin in their name.  I hadn't intended to copy anyone, but I guess that it just shows the power of the word, and the myriad ways to interpret it.

• Aikido for Beginners has an excellent post on zanshin as it relates to martial arts.
• A post in Kendo World talks about zanshin outside of the martial arts.  I especially like the part where Alex mentions lack of zanshin in mountaineering: 

Around 80% of climbing accidents happen not on the way up, but on the way down. The inexperienced climber reaches the summit and relaxes their guard on the descent, mistakenly thinking the battle is over.

• Bruce Lee is quoted at Zen Habits.  Although it doesn't use the word itself, many other people refer to "mind like water" being one way of understanding zanshin;

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."

• At Zanshin Art, Janet describes zanshin as "the state of relaxed alertness...in which artists create".  She also explores "the links between fine and martial arts" in her blog.
• ChangeForge is a blog about change management as it relates to corporate growth.  Ken Sterns mentions zanshin as balanced way to remain highly effective.  

"Relax but do not become complacent, seek to clear your mind of clutter, and maintain balance in mind, body, and spirit."

• Paul's Zanshin is a blog about business strategies, and Paul Nicholls refers to zanshin as a small business having "total awareness, readiness for anything, calm and centered yet prepared to act in a moment."
• I also saw zanshin as defined as readiness related to fitness training, fire-fighting, musicianship, and also as the name of a sailboat.

In Kyudo (Japanese archery), zanshin is the focus of the archer after the arrow is shot.

As a martial artist, I realize that a martial art (in my case, karate-do) is really a way of life, not merely something to learn.  After having my foundation shaken, I am seeking a new balance in my life.  I am discovering a "new me" and uncovering the "old me," or my inner spirit that persists.