Sunshine in the Corner

Today a co-worker asked me what has happened to make me happy.

I had just walked in the door and smiled at him as I went to my desk. He is familiar with what has been going on in my life, and from time to time he checks up on how I am doing. He said he has observed that I am smiling a lot more lately. "It's like sunshine coming from your corner of the office."

What a wonderful testament to my progress, and such a sweet, kind way for him to express it. It warmed my heart even more (Thank you Co-worker!). It also gladdened me that someone else has observed my mood. As an aside, I feel a little guilty now for all the times that I walked through the door with a tired, angry, tearful, dejected, or apathetic look on my face, which also must have been noticed (I apologize, everyone!).

I agreed with his assessment, but I couldn't really name a reason for the change in me except that I am exercising and that the sunny weather makes me feel good.  The simplest explanation for the change in me is that I have finally found joy.

Of course I have been making efforts to help myself overcome the depression and anger I have felt over the past three years (has it been that long? Ugh!). Those efforts have really started to snowball, and the momentum is increasing.  But there are two major things that I think have really contributed to my joy.

Nurturing Myself
I knew taking care of me was something I had to do, even if I didn't feel motivated to do it.  I didn't really know where to start, and for a while I was merely going through the motions.  Slowly, it evolved to actually enjoying what I was doing and looking forward to the various things that helped me remember who I was before.  In remembering what used to bring me joy, I have rekindled the life inside me.  It has allowed me to reconcile with myself, and to look forward to new things.

Connecting With Others
I am somewhat extroverted, and get energy from being with other people. For a variety of reasons, I had become somewhat isolated in my life.  When I was depressed, it was even worse.  I was lost inside my own head, miserable, and lonely.  Eventually, I realized I had to get around some happy people.  I asked myself, "what kind of friends do I want?"  I answered, "the kind that do fun things I like to do."  Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I had to start actually doing those activities again.  The friendships would follow.  Also, reconnecting with my old friends has been really helpful.  They know me well and we have lots to laugh about already.

A Two-Pronged Approach
I'm sure we have all heard the old adage that in order for others to love you, you have to love yourself first.  I think I had forgotten how to love myself, really even doubted whether I was worth loving after all that had happened.  Once I started to come out of that, I could appreciate myself, and imagine others appreciating me, too.  Once I made efforts to socialize, and remembered the pleasure it brings me, I wanted to be a person with whom others would want as a friend.

I have to become the person I want my friends to be.  I want to be around active, fun people, who take care of themselves, balancing mind, body and spirit.  That means I have to strive for those things within myself.

I am so happy that I am finally starting to see positive change in myself, and gratified that others are noticing it, too.

"We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do." 

- Mahatma Gandhi, political and spiritual leader (1869-1948)

Find Happiness, "Don't Settle"- Steve Jobs

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." 

- Steve Jobs

Steve holding an iPhone 4 in 2010.
Source: Wikipedia

The entrepeneur, innovator, and artist Steve Jobs died yesterday. The world has lost a great person. I obviously never met him, but as an observer, what I always appreciated about Steve are his drive for perfection, unconventionality, and his down-to-earth personality. These attributes led to high-quality products that changed the world. I do not believe that is an exaggeration.

A few years ago, I was forwarded the text to his now famous 2005 commencement address for Stanford. Now that he is gone, people are quoting it in the media, and I read it again. There are some great statements in there about Steve's view of life that really ring true for me.

I also was inspired by the part where he talks about dealing with loss after being ousted from the company he founded:

"So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating."

I can relate to this sort of loss and humiliation. It's not like something was missing from my life, it is that my life didn't even seem to resemble what it once was. I had somehow skipped to a parallel universe of misery.

"I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life."

I don't know if this divorce is "the best thing that could have ever happened to me," but I do know that we don't always understand the reason that things happen while we are in the midst of them. Perhaps, someday, I will look back and see the reason behind this and how it all fits into the overall plan. Right now, I am experiencing that feeling of "being a beginner again, less sure about everything." It is uncomfortable in some aspects, but in others, it is liberating. It feels strange that anything good can come out of divorce, or any kind of loss; It is a time of rediscovery and growth for myself. I have accomplished things I had never imagined before.

Steve encouraged the graduates to strive for work and relationships (life) that will fulfill them. "If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." I love how Steve actually says, "don't settle," twice. It's important enough to keep striving for, and when one encounters problems on the way one must press on.

I know that inner peace is out there for me, and I won't give up. I have a fighting spirit that won't be kept down for long.

Overcoming Adversity: Be Like the Willow

"The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character."

-Walter Scott, novelist and poet (1771-1832) 

Traditionally, the oak tree gets a lot of respect. Oaks are solid, long-living, and branch out widely providing a lot of shade. Even the wood, once cut and put to use, is very hard with a beautiful grain. In literature they represent endurance, strength, courage, and tradition, among other things.

http://free-extras.com/images/willow_tree-11941.htm

Flexible willows are less strong, but are still quite useful in baskets, furniture, sculptures and fences. The willow is widely known for its medicinal properties, including salicin (in the aspirin family). Symbolically, willows conjure images of dreams, mourning, or even death.

I wonder if Walter Scott was thinking of "great calamities" in general, or romantic "tempests," or both? I think it makes sense either way. The romantic meaning is quite interesting, especially in light of the masculine symbolism of the oak and the feminine imagery of the willow. Surely he was also familiar with Shakespeare's use of willow imagery representing lost or forsaken love with his tragic heroines.

In a more general meaning for the "great calamities" of life, Scott's aphorism says that in life we can be stubborn and immovable, but it does not always serve us well. A person who stands clinging to their reality may not rally as well as one who is more flexible and adapts to the new reality.

This reminds me of another proverb:

"Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind."

-Bruce Lee, martial artist, actor, philosopher (1940-1973)

Certain changes in life are unavoidable, and painful. They cannot be stopped by sheer force of will, which is something I have had to learn. I have to let these changes happen, weather the storm, and slowly bend back in recovery. As part of a grief process, this is part of the acceptance phase, I suppose. If I remained an oak, I might be destroyed by my own obstinacy.

Every day, I have to let go of something: old dreams, bitterness, worries. I must let go of these in order to move on and see an end to the storm so the next phase of my life can begin. For me, a high achiever who never gives up, this is counter-intuitive. But I am trying. It's hard. I have to keep reminding myself:

Be like the willow.

Ready to Fly

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings."

-Victor Hugo, writer, artist, statesman

Photo by Les Dublin.
http://www.ojaigarden.com/2008/03/bluebirds.shtml

This whole divorce thing really knocked me for a loop. Someone unexpectedly came and shook the branch upon which I was sitting. I think I fell for a while, maybe hitting a few branches on the way down, forgetting to sing, screeching in alarm.

I'm not sure, but I don't think I hit the bottom. I think I managed to thrash and struggle enough to avoid hitting the pavement. I'm still floundering around as I get my bearings. I have good days and bad days.

On my good days, I feel that I can get through this. I remember who I am inside and that I am whole, despite being injured. I am more than the something bad that has happened to me; It does not define me.

On my bad days, I have to remind myself of that.

I will fly back up to the treetop. My strength will come from the knowledge that I have the spirit to survive. I will have confidence to alight on the branch again, knowing I can weather what comes next. My wits will be sharp, and I will be ready to fly. 

Being Alone Can Be Beautiful

I came across this lovely video about how to be alone.  It's a gentle reminder for those who are unsure or are afraid of being alone, that it is okay. I found it very comforting. It reassures that being alone is not a bad thing. Being alone can lead to introspection and self-knowledge, as well as awareness and appreciation of one's surroundings. It can be very beautiful.

There is a lot of pressure out there to be in a relationship with someone, to hang out with people, or to talk on the phone at all times. It seems the consensus is that if you don't have people to talk to or be with, you must not be very important.

I believe there is also a profound societal compulsion to be "social" online. It seems to say, "Put yourself out there and force the world to interact with you! More "friends," more "followers," more commenters!" If you can't be with people in person,  you should be interacting with them in the online world, because apparently, it is bad to be alone for even a few minutes.

Of course I know that humans are social creatures, and have survived throughout time be living and working together. I am a very social person. I love being with friends as much as the next person. And I do find benefits in the use of online social networks. I'm not arguing for perpetual isolation and solitude. I am arguing, however, that being alone from time to time is undervalued and even devalued by society.

When my children started spending some weekends with their dad (my ex), I had alone time forced upon me. It was difficult and well, lonely, at first. I didn't know what to do with myself. I filled up this time with tasks and projects to distract myself. Even though I was busy, I found myself doing a lot of thinking about things, both pleasant and unpleasant. It was beneficial, however, to face my thoughts and feelings, though I was fearful of being overwhelmed by them at first.

I later began to embrace my alone time as "time off," or "me time." I had to become reacquainted with myself, since it had been so long since I had lived on my own. I remembered what it was like to slow down and linger over things that I cared about. I had time to shop in the grocery store at my own pace. I relearned what my interests were and started to pursue them. I enjoyed less structure with only myself to answer to. I also tried new things, like taking myself to dinner and a movie.

I really believe that these times by myself helped me be more comfortable with myself. I became more centered and self-aware. Being alone helped me feel that doing what I wanted was not necessarily selfish or irrelevant. It can be fulfilling to exercise independence and it can be freeing to know that, for a moment in time, the only expectations of you are your own.

I Want To Give Up

Some days it is so hard to keep my chin up. It seems like there are so many hurdles in my way. I am so tired of trying so hard for every single thing. I want to curl up on the floor and lie there for a long, long time. I wish someone would put me out of my misery. I could run away and leave my troubles behind.... right now.  Just take off running and not stop for a while.

Then, I start feeling a little foolish. It is not that bad. No one died- even though it feels like it. I still have my beautiful children. We have a place to live. I have a job. Things could be way worse.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_sep2006/DontEverGiveUp.htm

After a while, I stop imagining myself escaping from my troubles and lamenting my situation, but I still feel unfortunate and a trifle beat up. It's so hard to motivate myself to keep going. I have to stop looking about me at what is wrong, and look ahead to when things will be better, to what I want after this whole mess is behind me. If I can just stick it out long enough, the pain will go away and I'll be so glad I didn't give up.

I have dark days sometimes.  Sad, depressed, angry, resentful, jealous. I just have to remember the sun will come back.

Depression and Grief: How to Cope and "Take Care of Yourself"

"How can I ever be happy again?" you may ask. You may feel that you have descended into a black hole with no hope of escape. Just getting out of bed requires a herculean effort. The pain of depression can seem overwhelming and never-ending. It seems impossible that you could ever find happiness again. I am beginning to emerge from my own "black hole" and I have a few tips for coping with depression. Each person's situation is unique, but I thought that I would share what worked for me in hopes that it might help someone else. I think that anyone experience grief, whether because of divorce, the death of a loved one, or unemployment could find these tips useful.

1. Find Someone To Talk To- Find one or two sympathetic people who are good listeners and talk with them regularly about what is going on in your life. Friends, family members, and professional counselors supply needed perspective when you are consumed with your feelings. It's important for people to express their feelings and and be "heard." A good listener can help you empty yourself of frustration and anger.
2. Connect (Or Reconnect) With Friends- It is important for people to socialize, which is different than talking out their problems (see #1). With friends and family, just being with them can give you comfort during a time when you are down on yourself, doubting your worth, or questioning your decisions. These people want to spend time with you- just knowing that can boost your morale. They remember you before your problems began- when you were happy. And whatever you do together provides a distraction from your problems that allows you to lay down that burden for a while. 
3. Do What Gives You Joy- Play guitar, work in the garden, go on a jog, whatever is your thing. It doesn't have to be complicated. If you are lucky, you have been doing these things all along. Don't fall into the trap of letting your hobbies go by the wayside. It starves your soul and leads to low morale or even depression. These activities aren't merely time-wasters.  They are part of your self-concept and are what make you unique. They help you enjoy being alive- being you. Participating in them makes you feel whole again.
4. Eliminate Irritation- If something has been bugging you- change it. You don't need any more negative stimulation.  That ugly chair that makes you cringe every time you walk by- ditch it! The cluttered garage where you can never find the WD-40- organize it!  That kitchen drawer that has been waiting to be repaired and sticks every time you reach for a spoon- fix it! Even a small accomplishment gives a huge payoff. The rush of relief you get from removing a longtime thorn in your side will soon snowball as you make other positive changes in your life.
5. Get Out Of The House- When you have been feeling down for a while, a change of scene is in order. Visit some friends out of town, or go stay with family for a few days. It's not running away from your problems if you lay them aside for a set time and come back to them. It is a healthy way to rest and gain perspective, while staying in the same place can make you feel trapped or keep your thoughts in a rut.
6. Ask For And Accept Help Graciously- This is not the time to "be strong." When is a better time to accept help from those who care about you than when you have been devastated and are in pain? When you feel that you don't have strength to go on, lean on a friend or family member. This is the time that they can "be there" for you- don't take that away from them. If they don't offer help, don't be too proud or afraid to ask for it. Some people don't know how to help, but would gladly do it if you let them know what you need.
7. Stop And Smell the Roses- Enjoy simple pleasures. Find happiness and optimism in whatever corner you can. Watch children play in the park. Listen to snow fall. Observe the flower breaking through the patch of weeds. Make time for prayer, meditation, or quiet time. Practice having a grateful heart.
8. Make Something Beautiful- This could go along with #3 or #4.  Or it could simply be your hobby.  Some people actually create something, like photographs, decorated cakes, or scrapbooks, but it doesn't have to be "crafty" or "creative" in the traditional sense. It could be the process of taking something drab and making it fab- like landscaping, organizing a closet, or rearranging a room. Some people take it a step further and "transform" themselves through wardrobe and hairstyle. Whatever it is, make an intentional effort to make something you admire, which will bring you a sense of pride and satisfaction.

There probably seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, or that you are drowning in sorrow.  The tips above are ways to light a candle in the tunnel and to throw yourself a life preserver. It will take time, but you can rise above the adversity. There is nothing you are not strong enough to handle. What do heroes and regular people have in common?  They get through their problems one day at a time.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."- Lao Tzu

Disclaimer: The above tips are derived from my own experience. I am not trained in helping people cope with depression, divorce, or grief. Pursue at your own risk.

Don't Quit: Inspiration to Persist Through Divorce, Grief, Depression

Some days, it's really hard for me to maintain that internal motivation that keeps me going.  I stop what I am doing and start looking at my situation with pessimism or doubt. It's really difficult to focus on the future.  I came across this poem recently on a day when I really needed the message. I think anyone going through divorce or any difficult life changes could find a little inspiration from reading it.

Don't Quit

Jill Wolf

Don't quit when the tide is lowest, 

For it's just about to turn,

Don't quit over doubts and questions,

For there's something you may learn,

Don't quit when the night is darkest,

For it's just a while 'til dawn;

Don't quit when you've run the the farthest,

For the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest,

For your goal is almost nigh;

Don't quit, for you're not a failure,

Until you fail to try.

Conan O'Brian Speaks on Failure and Re-Invention

“It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

- Conan O'Brien

Nearly two years ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. To me, it seemed my world was imploding and there was nothing I could do to keep it standing. He had figuratively pulled the rug out from under my feet and I fell flat on my face. I felt as if he had destroyed the life we had made, and had stolen my happiness away.

Conan O'Brien recently delivered a commencement address at Dartmouth College, in which he spoke about how his life had unexpectedly changed and how he turned it into an opportunity for growth that he had never expected.

“Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things...I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what...it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged, and this is important ---- had more conviction about what I was doing." 

(18:23 minutes into the video)

After separating from my husband, I felt lost and directionless for a long time. Not having a goal is one of the most frustrating things. I remember thinking, I wish I knew what to do. I would just do it! But there is no guidebook and no one can tell me what to do, because every divorce is unique. In contrast to the normal way I made decisions, I had to react impulsively and think in the short-term without a plan.

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized  

(19:33 minutes into the video)."

Living in the moment, as I have been forced to do, has been a good exercise for me. I think it has helped me to appreciate the little things, and to seek out simple pleasures, and be more spontaneous. I put off worrying about some things and discovered that life still went on.

Though I did not seek to cut ties with my ex, I have discovered there were some shackles I was glad to have severed.  Some of them, I came to realize, were self-imposed and some were even previously unknown to me. Realizing some of these limitations has allowed me to free myself.

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention."

(21:12 minutes into the video)

In some ways, I am re-inventing myself. I am a single mom. I am a divorcée. I answer to myself, now. But I would also argue that I am mainly rediscovering the self that has been hidden and pushed aside. I am taking up some of my old interests. I am accomplishing goals I had set for myself in the past. I am allowing myself to change things that have been bothering me for a while.

"The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

(22:19 minutes into the video)

This idea really appeals to my sense of balance- like yin and yang. I really have an optimism that something good always comes from the bad. "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  I'm still working through this process, but I am starting to get a little clarity as I get more distance from the initial crisis.

"At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen."

(23:27 minutes into the video)

Divorce is such an ugly thing.  It saps your energy, and there are times when I feel like I want to roll over and die.  Just getting up in the morning takes so much effort.  One of the things that keeps me going is my belief that good things will happen if I "just keep on keepin' on."  And kindness goes a long way.  Sometimes I have to make a supreme effort to contain my emotions in this situation.  I do it for my children, and I do it for me, too.  I want to know when this is all over, that I acted honorably and did my best.  In the midst of the pain and anger of disappointment, I have the determination and fighting spirit within me to always be working toward something better.  I must keep working on zanshin, and I will be ready for the "amazing things" to come.

Wonder Woman: A Role Model For Any SuperParent

I had some underwear just like this!

I remember how sad I was the day I realized I outgrew my Wonder Woman underwear and undershirt set. Alas! Though it seems like yesterday, this was probably 25 years ago.

When I was a girl, I loved Wonder Woman. I never read the comics; my version of WW was the Lynda Carter TV show version. I retain some strong images from the show: her spinning transformation, using the lasso to get the bad guys, and the cool costume. Mostly, I think I just latched on to the idea of a female superhero, who was a strong lead character.

Flash forward 20 years or so. I felt an affinity for WW as a woman, seeing my aspirations for myself in her. In my idealized memory, she had hidden strength, restraint, common sense, independence, and the ability to save the world from peril (and she smiles while she does it)! As a new mom, I was inspired by this ideal.

Catching bad guys is fun!
Source: http://backseatcuddler.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/

Some days I feel like I am a suburban superhero. That used to happen occasionally, on the days when I did everything to cover for a sick or out-of-town husband. By everything, I mean getting the kids to child care/school, working full time, teaching at the dojo afterward, making dinner, helping with homework, and so on- and not forgetting to pack lunches! I was ready to drop at the end of the day. I'm sure every parent has those SuperParent days from time to time.

A year or two ago, my husband and I separated, and now I feel like I have those days all the time. Single parenting is exhausting. At first it was so overwhelming. I was still angry and in denial about how long this was going to go on. It's better now. The days where I feel like I ran the Mom Marathon are not as frequent. Or maybe they are, but I have figured out how to deal with them better. 

SuperMom abilities required... Transform!

Source: http://lovelifeicecream.blogspot.com/2010/03/satin-tights-lasso-of-truth.html

One day, on my desk at work I propped up a notebook with WW on the cover in various super poses and smiling all the while. It sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes get a little burst of encouragement on those days when I am having a bad day. I glance over at that picture and see WW smiling and proud of of making the world a better place.

What is Zanshin?

Zanshin is written as two Japanese characters,  "残" (zan) and "心" (shin). These mean "remaining" or "lingering" and "spirit" (or "mind") respectively. 

In my first post on this blog, I talked a little bit about what meaning I give to the word zanshin.

"To me, zanshin also conveys the "fighting spirit" of the individual after the fight is over.  If victorious, there is a forward-looking awareness that does not lose focus by the victory.  If defeated, there is an indomitable spirit that is evident, with honor and grace."

For me, this blog represents a way to share my efforts to maintain my fighting spirit in the wake of separation and divorce.  Despite the pain and misery I go through, I resolve to look ahead with optimism and stay the course.  I will share the ways that I have found to cope with my feelings of anger and grief in a positive way.  It is my hope that the flashes of beauty and light to be found as I navigate my new life will bring inspiration to others who may be going through difficult times.

Today I want to talk a little more about the definition of zanshin.  I started looking around online for more information, and I was surprised to find quite a few other blogs with zanshin in their name.  I hadn't intended to copy anyone, but I guess that it just shows the power of the word, and the myriad ways to interpret it.

• Aikido for Beginners has an excellent post on zanshin as it relates to martial arts.
• A post in Kendo World talks about zanshin outside of the martial arts.  I especially like the part where Alex mentions lack of zanshin in mountaineering: 

Around 80% of climbing accidents happen not on the way up, but on the way down. The inexperienced climber reaches the summit and relaxes their guard on the descent, mistakenly thinking the battle is over.

• Bruce Lee is quoted at Zen Habits.  Although it doesn't use the word itself, many other people refer to "mind like water" being one way of understanding zanshin;

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."

• At Zanshin Art, Janet describes zanshin as "the state of relaxed alertness...in which artists create".  She also explores "the links between fine and martial arts" in her blog.
• ChangeForge is a blog about change management as it relates to corporate growth.  Ken Sterns mentions zanshin as balanced way to remain highly effective.  

"Relax but do not become complacent, seek to clear your mind of clutter, and maintain balance in mind, body, and spirit."

• Paul's Zanshin is a blog about business strategies, and Paul Nicholls refers to zanshin as a small business having "total awareness, readiness for anything, calm and centered yet prepared to act in a moment."
• I also saw zanshin as defined as readiness related to fitness training, fire-fighting, musicianship, and also as the name of a sailboat.

In Kyudo (Japanese archery), zanshin is the focus of the archer after the arrow is shot.

As a martial artist, I realize that a martial art (in my case, karate-do) is really a way of life, not merely something to learn.  After having my foundation shaken, I am seeking a new balance in my life.  I am discovering a "new me" and uncovering the "old me," or my inner spirit that persists.

The Spirit That Remains

I believe in the capacity for a person to improve their life, living situation, workflow, everything.  I am full of innovative ideas to make life better.  It seems to me that my life is full of projects in progress.  I am good at generating ideas, seeing all the possibilities, and making plans.

Sustainability is much more difficult for me.

I have several projects that go by the wayside whenever I shift my focus.  Papers pile up on the desk.  Mail lies on the counter.  Clothes gather on the floor.  I get things to a certain point of organization or cleanliness and enjoy it for a brief time, then I get lazy- *gasp* and let things go.

I am a busy person.  Perhaps I am just being a little critical.  Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations of myself.  Most likely!  There is no way I can excel at all things, though I live as though it is the goal.  There is no way that every room in the house will be clean a the same time, or that the yard will ever be in a state of completion, or that the desk will remain paper free.

The state of cleanliness is a temporary pause in the everyday chaos of life.  It's like a breath of fresh air.  You pause to enjoy it while it lasts.  Then, life happens.  Chaos resumes.  Shortcuts are taken.  

The state of disorder is a sign of the presence of activity, and thus, life.

Order, really, is quite artificial, when you think about it.  Giving the appearance of calm, control, and casual disinterest, when the reality is different.  There are those people out there whose homes are always immaculate, even when you come over unexpectedly.  FYI- I am not one of those people.

Whenever I visit the home of one such person, I am in awe.  "How do they do it?  I admire the peaceful feelings inspired by such order and simplicity.  It looks like something out of a magazine.

But soon I think, "there's something missing here."  There's no evidence of clothes being worn, meals prepared, chores to be done, or bills to pay.  I  am always suspicious in those people's homes, especially if they have children (it seems to me impossible to coordinate all those people to not spread out their belongings across the house all on the same day).  Really, I feel relief when I discover a mess: evidence of a meal, dirty towels in the bathroom, an overflowing garbage can.  I think to myself, "these people are normal, they have a mess.  They are more like me than unlike me.  They have busy lives, too."

If I feel more affinity for these "imperfect" people, why do I still feel driven to perfection?

• I am competitive and enjoy a difficult (or impossible) challenge.
• I strive to attain balance in my life.
• I am an optimist and believe there is always a way to make something better.
• I don't like to rest on my laurels too long.  I am always up for another project.  Some might say this is an inability to be satisfied.  I prefer to think of it as being energized by making a difference.

And also, I have discovered in the last few years another reason:

• When I feel that I have lost control of a certain aspect of my life, I may take up another part with zeal to gain a sense of control.

It may go along with striving for balance (above), but I have noticed it a lot in relation to my house lately.  I have been going through a separation and divorce in the last two years, and so I have tried to restore order to the chaos I feel inside by fixing things that I can control.  My yard has never looked better.  There are several structural and aesthetic things inside my house that I have been able to improve.  I have gotten rid of a lot of unnecessary "stuff" in a quest to simplify.

For me, these improvements are not just practical, visible changes, but they are a conscious effort on my part to improve my life and bring happiness and satisfaction to my life.  Some people transform themselves after divorce.  I think for me, I am transforming everything around me.

In martial arts, zanshin is the state of readiness after an encounter.  It is continued alertness, more than just a posture, but total awareness.  This awareness continues through hits and takedowns, and even beyond the cessation of the conflict.

To me, zanshin also conveys the "fighting spirit" of the individual after the fight is over.  If victorious, there is a forward-looking awareness that does not lose focus by the victory.  If defeated, there is an indomitable spirit that is evident, with honor and grace.