The Spirit That Remains

I believe in the capacity for a person to improve their life, living situation, workflow, everything.  I am full of innovative ideas to make life better.  It seems to me that my life is full of projects in progress.  I am good at generating ideas, seeing all the possibilities, and making plans.

Sustainability is much more difficult for me.

I have several projects that go by the wayside whenever I shift my focus.  Papers pile up on the desk.  Mail lies on the counter.  Clothes gather on the floor.  I get things to a certain point of organization or cleanliness and enjoy it for a brief time, then I get lazy- *gasp* and let things go.

I am a busy person.  Perhaps I am just being a little critical.  Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations of myself.  Most likely!  There is no way I can excel at all things, though I live as though it is the goal.  There is no way that every room in the house will be clean a the same time, or that the yard will ever be in a state of completion, or that the desk will remain paper free.

The state of cleanliness is a temporary pause in the everyday chaos of life.  It's like a breath of fresh air.  You pause to enjoy it while it lasts.  Then, life happens.  Chaos resumes.  Shortcuts are taken.  

The state of disorder is a sign of the presence of activity, and thus, life.

Order, really, is quite artificial, when you think about it.  Giving the appearance of calm, control, and casual disinterest, when the reality is different.  There are those people out there whose homes are always immaculate, even when you come over unexpectedly.  FYI- I am not one of those people.

Whenever I visit the home of one such person, I am in awe.  "How do they do it?  I admire the peaceful feelings inspired by such order and simplicity.  It looks like something out of a magazine.

But soon I think, "there's something missing here."  There's no evidence of clothes being worn, meals prepared, chores to be done, or bills to pay.  I  am always suspicious in those people's homes, especially if they have children (it seems to me impossible to coordinate all those people to not spread out their belongings across the house all on the same day).  Really, I feel relief when I discover a mess: evidence of a meal, dirty towels in the bathroom, an overflowing garbage can.  I think to myself, "these people are normal, they have a mess.  They are more like me than unlike me.  They have busy lives, too."

If I feel more affinity for these "imperfect" people, why do I still feel driven to perfection?

• I am competitive and enjoy a difficult (or impossible) challenge.
• I strive to attain balance in my life.
• I am an optimist and believe there is always a way to make something better.
• I don't like to rest on my laurels too long.  I am always up for another project.  Some might say this is an inability to be satisfied.  I prefer to think of it as being energized by making a difference.

And also, I have discovered in the last few years another reason:

• When I feel that I have lost control of a certain aspect of my life, I may take up another part with zeal to gain a sense of control.

It may go along with striving for balance (above), but I have noticed it a lot in relation to my house lately.  I have been going through a separation and divorce in the last two years, and so I have tried to restore order to the chaos I feel inside by fixing things that I can control.  My yard has never looked better.  There are several structural and aesthetic things inside my house that I have been able to improve.  I have gotten rid of a lot of unnecessary "stuff" in a quest to simplify.

For me, these improvements are not just practical, visible changes, but they are a conscious effort on my part to improve my life and bring happiness and satisfaction to my life.  Some people transform themselves after divorce.  I think for me, I am transforming everything around me.

In martial arts, zanshin is the state of readiness after an encounter.  It is continued alertness, more than just a posture, but total awareness.  This awareness continues through hits and takedowns, and even beyond the cessation of the conflict.

To me, zanshin also conveys the "fighting spirit" of the individual after the fight is over.  If victorious, there is a forward-looking awareness that does not lose focus by the victory.  If defeated, there is an indomitable spirit that is evident, with honor and grace.