Conan O'Brian Speaks on Failure and Re-Invention

“It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

- Conan O'Brien

Nearly two years ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. To me, it seemed my world was imploding and there was nothing I could do to keep it standing. He had figuratively pulled the rug out from under my feet and I fell flat on my face. I felt as if he had destroyed the life we had made, and had stolen my happiness away.

Conan O'Brien recently delivered a commencement address at Dartmouth College, in which he spoke about how his life had unexpectedly changed and how he turned it into an opportunity for growth that he had never expected.

“Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things...I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what...it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged, and this is important ---- had more conviction about what I was doing." 

(18:23 minutes into the video)

After separating from my husband, I felt lost and directionless for a long time. Not having a goal is one of the most frustrating things. I remember thinking, I wish I knew what to do. I would just do it! But there is no guidebook and no one can tell me what to do, because every divorce is unique. In contrast to the normal way I made decisions, I had to react impulsively and think in the short-term without a plan.

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized  

(19:33 minutes into the video)."

Living in the moment, as I have been forced to do, has been a good exercise for me. I think it has helped me to appreciate the little things, and to seek out simple pleasures, and be more spontaneous. I put off worrying about some things and discovered that life still went on.

Though I did not seek to cut ties with my ex, I have discovered there were some shackles I was glad to have severed.  Some of them, I came to realize, were self-imposed and some were even previously unknown to me. Realizing some of these limitations has allowed me to free myself.

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention."

(21:12 minutes into the video)

In some ways, I am re-inventing myself. I am a single mom. I am a divorcée. I answer to myself, now. But I would also argue that I am mainly rediscovering the self that has been hidden and pushed aside. I am taking up some of my old interests. I am accomplishing goals I had set for myself in the past. I am allowing myself to change things that have been bothering me for a while.

"The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

(22:19 minutes into the video)

This idea really appeals to my sense of balance- like yin and yang. I really have an optimism that something good always comes from the bad. "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  I'm still working through this process, but I am starting to get a little clarity as I get more distance from the initial crisis.

"At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen."

(23:27 minutes into the video)

Divorce is such an ugly thing.  It saps your energy, and there are times when I feel like I want to roll over and die.  Just getting up in the morning takes so much effort.  One of the things that keeps me going is my belief that good things will happen if I "just keep on keepin' on."  And kindness goes a long way.  Sometimes I have to make a supreme effort to contain my emotions in this situation.  I do it for my children, and I do it for me, too.  I want to know when this is all over, that I acted honorably and did my best.  In the midst of the pain and anger of disappointment, I have the determination and fighting spirit within me to always be working toward something better.  I must keep working on zanshin, and I will be ready for the "amazing things" to come.