Find Happiness, "Don't Settle"- Steve Jobs

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." 

- Steve Jobs

Steve holding an iPhone 4 in 2010.
Source: Wikipedia

The entrepeneur, innovator, and artist Steve Jobs died yesterday. The world has lost a great person. I obviously never met him, but as an observer, what I always appreciated about Steve are his drive for perfection, unconventionality, and his down-to-earth personality. These attributes led to high-quality products that changed the world. I do not believe that is an exaggeration.

A few years ago, I was forwarded the text to his now famous 2005 commencement address for Stanford. Now that he is gone, people are quoting it in the media, and I read it again. There are some great statements in there about Steve's view of life that really ring true for me.

I also was inspired by the part where he talks about dealing with loss after being ousted from the company he founded:

"So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating."

I can relate to this sort of loss and humiliation. It's not like something was missing from my life, it is that my life didn't even seem to resemble what it once was. I had somehow skipped to a parallel universe of misery.

"I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life."

I don't know if this divorce is "the best thing that could have ever happened to me," but I do know that we don't always understand the reason that things happen while we are in the midst of them. Perhaps, someday, I will look back and see the reason behind this and how it all fits into the overall plan. Right now, I am experiencing that feeling of "being a beginner again, less sure about everything." It is uncomfortable in some aspects, but in others, it is liberating. It feels strange that anything good can come out of divorce, or any kind of loss; It is a time of rediscovery and growth for myself. I have accomplished things I had never imagined before.

Steve encouraged the graduates to strive for work and relationships (life) that will fulfill them. "If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." I love how Steve actually says, "don't settle," twice. It's important enough to keep striving for, and when one encounters problems on the way one must press on.

I know that inner peace is out there for me, and I won't give up. I have a fighting spirit that won't be kept down for long.

Weather the Storms

Life is rough. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. Sometimes I wish I could rewind back to a "happier" or "more innocent" time in my life, before some of my problems began. I imagine, despite my lack of life experience at the time, things were "better" then. I've even found myself wistfully looking in the mirror remembering younger days.  I've noticed lately that I can see my gray hairs in the mirror from a distance now- no squinting required!

The evidence of our past, rather than marring perfection, brings a beauty that comes from the richness of experience. Like a piece of furniture that gains from a certain amount of use and wear, we carry a unique fingerprint of our lives upon our bodies, and upon our very souls.

Life has a way of tearing us down and building us back up again. We are not the same afterward, but we are still whole and beautiful. I love this movie I found today via The Mary Sue, in which a little boat weathers many challenges and survives.

Little Boat from nelson boles on Vimeo.

Everyone has bad experiences and hardships. We can choose to carry the marks as ugly scars, or we can allow them make us more colorful and unique.

Weather the storms. Love who you have become. You are rare and wonderful.

Overcoming Adversity: Be Like the Willow

"The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character."

-Walter Scott, novelist and poet (1771-1832) 

Traditionally, the oak tree gets a lot of respect. Oaks are solid, long-living, and branch out widely providing a lot of shade. Even the wood, once cut and put to use, is very hard with a beautiful grain. In literature they represent endurance, strength, courage, and tradition, among other things.

http://free-extras.com/images/willow_tree-11941.htm

Flexible willows are less strong, but are still quite useful in baskets, furniture, sculptures and fences. The willow is widely known for its medicinal properties, including salicin (in the aspirin family). Symbolically, willows conjure images of dreams, mourning, or even death.

I wonder if Walter Scott was thinking of "great calamities" in general, or romantic "tempests," or both? I think it makes sense either way. The romantic meaning is quite interesting, especially in light of the masculine symbolism of the oak and the feminine imagery of the willow. Surely he was also familiar with Shakespeare's use of willow imagery representing lost or forsaken love with his tragic heroines.

In a more general meaning for the "great calamities" of life, Scott's aphorism says that in life we can be stubborn and immovable, but it does not always serve us well. A person who stands clinging to their reality may not rally as well as one who is more flexible and adapts to the new reality.

This reminds me of another proverb:

"Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind."

-Bruce Lee, martial artist, actor, philosopher (1940-1973)

Certain changes in life are unavoidable, and painful. They cannot be stopped by sheer force of will, which is something I have had to learn. I have to let these changes happen, weather the storm, and slowly bend back in recovery. As part of a grief process, this is part of the acceptance phase, I suppose. If I remained an oak, I might be destroyed by my own obstinacy.

Every day, I have to let go of something: old dreams, bitterness, worries. I must let go of these in order to move on and see an end to the storm so the next phase of my life can begin. For me, a high achiever who never gives up, this is counter-intuitive. But I am trying. It's hard. I have to keep reminding myself:

Be like the willow.

Ready to Fly

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings."

-Victor Hugo, writer, artist, statesman

Photo by Les Dublin.
http://www.ojaigarden.com/2008/03/bluebirds.shtml

This whole divorce thing really knocked me for a loop. Someone unexpectedly came and shook the branch upon which I was sitting. I think I fell for a while, maybe hitting a few branches on the way down, forgetting to sing, screeching in alarm.

I'm not sure, but I don't think I hit the bottom. I think I managed to thrash and struggle enough to avoid hitting the pavement. I'm still floundering around as I get my bearings. I have good days and bad days.

On my good days, I feel that I can get through this. I remember who I am inside and that I am whole, despite being injured. I am more than the something bad that has happened to me; It does not define me.

On my bad days, I have to remind myself of that.

I will fly back up to the treetop. My strength will come from the knowledge that I have the spirit to survive. I will have confidence to alight on the branch again, knowing I can weather what comes next. My wits will be sharp, and I will be ready to fly. 

Being Alone Can Be Beautiful

I came across this lovely video about how to be alone.  It's a gentle reminder for those who are unsure or are afraid of being alone, that it is okay. I found it very comforting. It reassures that being alone is not a bad thing. Being alone can lead to introspection and self-knowledge, as well as awareness and appreciation of one's surroundings. It can be very beautiful.

There is a lot of pressure out there to be in a relationship with someone, to hang out with people, or to talk on the phone at all times. It seems the consensus is that if you don't have people to talk to or be with, you must not be very important.

I believe there is also a profound societal compulsion to be "social" online. It seems to say, "Put yourself out there and force the world to interact with you! More "friends," more "followers," more commenters!" If you can't be with people in person,  you should be interacting with them in the online world, because apparently, it is bad to be alone for even a few minutes.

Of course I know that humans are social creatures, and have survived throughout time be living and working together. I am a very social person. I love being with friends as much as the next person. And I do find benefits in the use of online social networks. I'm not arguing for perpetual isolation and solitude. I am arguing, however, that being alone from time to time is undervalued and even devalued by society.

When my children started spending some weekends with their dad (my ex), I had alone time forced upon me. It was difficult and well, lonely, at first. I didn't know what to do with myself. I filled up this time with tasks and projects to distract myself. Even though I was busy, I found myself doing a lot of thinking about things, both pleasant and unpleasant. It was beneficial, however, to face my thoughts and feelings, though I was fearful of being overwhelmed by them at first.

I later began to embrace my alone time as "time off," or "me time." I had to become reacquainted with myself, since it had been so long since I had lived on my own. I remembered what it was like to slow down and linger over things that I cared about. I had time to shop in the grocery store at my own pace. I relearned what my interests were and started to pursue them. I enjoyed less structure with only myself to answer to. I also tried new things, like taking myself to dinner and a movie.

I really believe that these times by myself helped me be more comfortable with myself. I became more centered and self-aware. Being alone helped me feel that doing what I wanted was not necessarily selfish or irrelevant. It can be fulfilling to exercise independence and it can be freeing to know that, for a moment in time, the only expectations of you are your own.

I Want To Give Up

Some days it is so hard to keep my chin up. It seems like there are so many hurdles in my way. I am so tired of trying so hard for every single thing. I want to curl up on the floor and lie there for a long, long time. I wish someone would put me out of my misery. I could run away and leave my troubles behind.... right now.  Just take off running and not stop for a while.

Then, I start feeling a little foolish. It is not that bad. No one died- even though it feels like it. I still have my beautiful children. We have a place to live. I have a job. Things could be way worse.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_sep2006/DontEverGiveUp.htm

After a while, I stop imagining myself escaping from my troubles and lamenting my situation, but I still feel unfortunate and a trifle beat up. It's so hard to motivate myself to keep going. I have to stop looking about me at what is wrong, and look ahead to when things will be better, to what I want after this whole mess is behind me. If I can just stick it out long enough, the pain will go away and I'll be so glad I didn't give up.

I have dark days sometimes.  Sad, depressed, angry, resentful, jealous. I just have to remember the sun will come back.

Depression and Grief: How to Cope and "Take Care of Yourself"

"How can I ever be happy again?" you may ask. You may feel that you have descended into a black hole with no hope of escape. Just getting out of bed requires a herculean effort. The pain of depression can seem overwhelming and never-ending. It seems impossible that you could ever find happiness again. I am beginning to emerge from my own "black hole" and I have a few tips for coping with depression. Each person's situation is unique, but I thought that I would share what worked for me in hopes that it might help someone else. I think that anyone experience grief, whether because of divorce, the death of a loved one, or unemployment could find these tips useful.

1. Find Someone To Talk To- Find one or two sympathetic people who are good listeners and talk with them regularly about what is going on in your life. Friends, family members, and professional counselors supply needed perspective when you are consumed with your feelings. It's important for people to express their feelings and and be "heard." A good listener can help you empty yourself of frustration and anger.
2. Connect (Or Reconnect) With Friends- It is important for people to socialize, which is different than talking out their problems (see #1). With friends and family, just being with them can give you comfort during a time when you are down on yourself, doubting your worth, or questioning your decisions. These people want to spend time with you- just knowing that can boost your morale. They remember you before your problems began- when you were happy. And whatever you do together provides a distraction from your problems that allows you to lay down that burden for a while. 
3. Do What Gives You Joy- Play guitar, work in the garden, go on a jog, whatever is your thing. It doesn't have to be complicated. If you are lucky, you have been doing these things all along. Don't fall into the trap of letting your hobbies go by the wayside. It starves your soul and leads to low morale or even depression. These activities aren't merely time-wasters.  They are part of your self-concept and are what make you unique. They help you enjoy being alive- being you. Participating in them makes you feel whole again.
4. Eliminate Irritation- If something has been bugging you- change it. You don't need any more negative stimulation.  That ugly chair that makes you cringe every time you walk by- ditch it! The cluttered garage where you can never find the WD-40- organize it!  That kitchen drawer that has been waiting to be repaired and sticks every time you reach for a spoon- fix it! Even a small accomplishment gives a huge payoff. The rush of relief you get from removing a longtime thorn in your side will soon snowball as you make other positive changes in your life.
5. Get Out Of The House- When you have been feeling down for a while, a change of scene is in order. Visit some friends out of town, or go stay with family for a few days. It's not running away from your problems if you lay them aside for a set time and come back to them. It is a healthy way to rest and gain perspective, while staying in the same place can make you feel trapped or keep your thoughts in a rut.
6. Ask For And Accept Help Graciously- This is not the time to "be strong." When is a better time to accept help from those who care about you than when you have been devastated and are in pain? When you feel that you don't have strength to go on, lean on a friend or family member. This is the time that they can "be there" for you- don't take that away from them. If they don't offer help, don't be too proud or afraid to ask for it. Some people don't know how to help, but would gladly do it if you let them know what you need.
7. Stop And Smell the Roses- Enjoy simple pleasures. Find happiness and optimism in whatever corner you can. Watch children play in the park. Listen to snow fall. Observe the flower breaking through the patch of weeds. Make time for prayer, meditation, or quiet time. Practice having a grateful heart.
8. Make Something Beautiful- This could go along with #3 or #4.  Or it could simply be your hobby.  Some people actually create something, like photographs, decorated cakes, or scrapbooks, but it doesn't have to be "crafty" or "creative" in the traditional sense. It could be the process of taking something drab and making it fab- like landscaping, organizing a closet, or rearranging a room. Some people take it a step further and "transform" themselves through wardrobe and hairstyle. Whatever it is, make an intentional effort to make something you admire, which will bring you a sense of pride and satisfaction.

There probably seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, or that you are drowning in sorrow.  The tips above are ways to light a candle in the tunnel and to throw yourself a life preserver. It will take time, but you can rise above the adversity. There is nothing you are not strong enough to handle. What do heroes and regular people have in common?  They get through their problems one day at a time.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."- Lao Tzu

Disclaimer: The above tips are derived from my own experience. I am not trained in helping people cope with depression, divorce, or grief. Pursue at your own risk.