Don't Quit: Inspiration to Persist Through Divorce, Grief, Depression

Some days, it's really hard for me to maintain that internal motivation that keeps me going.  I stop what I am doing and start looking at my situation with pessimism or doubt. It's really difficult to focus on the future.  I came across this poem recently on a day when I really needed the message. I think anyone going through divorce or any difficult life changes could find a little inspiration from reading it.

Don't Quit

Jill Wolf

Don't quit when the tide is lowest, 

For it's just about to turn,

Don't quit over doubts and questions,

For there's something you may learn,

Don't quit when the night is darkest,

For it's just a while 'til dawn;

Don't quit when you've run the the farthest,

For the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest,

For your goal is almost nigh;

Don't quit, for you're not a failure,

Until you fail to try.

Conan O'Brian Speaks on Failure and Re-Invention

“It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

- Conan O'Brien

Nearly two years ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. To me, it seemed my world was imploding and there was nothing I could do to keep it standing. He had figuratively pulled the rug out from under my feet and I fell flat on my face. I felt as if he had destroyed the life we had made, and had stolen my happiness away.

Conan O'Brien recently delivered a commencement address at Dartmouth College, in which he spoke about how his life had unexpectedly changed and how he turned it into an opportunity for growth that he had never expected.

“Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things...I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what...it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged, and this is important ---- had more conviction about what I was doing." 

(18:23 minutes into the video)

After separating from my husband, I felt lost and directionless for a long time. Not having a goal is one of the most frustrating things. I remember thinking, I wish I knew what to do. I would just do it! But there is no guidebook and no one can tell me what to do, because every divorce is unique. In contrast to the normal way I made decisions, I had to react impulsively and think in the short-term without a plan.

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized  

(19:33 minutes into the video)."

Living in the moment, as I have been forced to do, has been a good exercise for me. I think it has helped me to appreciate the little things, and to seek out simple pleasures, and be more spontaneous. I put off worrying about some things and discovered that life still went on.

Though I did not seek to cut ties with my ex, I have discovered there were some shackles I was glad to have severed.  Some of them, I came to realize, were self-imposed and some were even previously unknown to me. Realizing some of these limitations has allowed me to free myself.

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention."

(21:12 minutes into the video)

In some ways, I am re-inventing myself. I am a single mom. I am a divorcée. I answer to myself, now. But I would also argue that I am mainly rediscovering the self that has been hidden and pushed aside. I am taking up some of my old interests. I am accomplishing goals I had set for myself in the past. I am allowing myself to change things that have been bothering me for a while.

"The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

(22:19 minutes into the video)

This idea really appeals to my sense of balance- like yin and yang. I really have an optimism that something good always comes from the bad. "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  I'm still working through this process, but I am starting to get a little clarity as I get more distance from the initial crisis.

"At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen."

(23:27 minutes into the video)

Divorce is such an ugly thing.  It saps your energy, and there are times when I feel like I want to roll over and die.  Just getting up in the morning takes so much effort.  One of the things that keeps me going is my belief that good things will happen if I "just keep on keepin' on."  And kindness goes a long way.  Sometimes I have to make a supreme effort to contain my emotions in this situation.  I do it for my children, and I do it for me, too.  I want to know when this is all over, that I acted honorably and did my best.  In the midst of the pain and anger of disappointment, I have the determination and fighting spirit within me to always be working toward something better.  I must keep working on zanshin, and I will be ready for the "amazing things" to come.

Wonder Woman: A Role Model For Any SuperParent

I had some underwear just like this!

I remember how sad I was the day I realized I outgrew my Wonder Woman underwear and undershirt set. Alas! Though it seems like yesterday, this was probably 25 years ago.

When I was a girl, I loved Wonder Woman. I never read the comics; my version of WW was the Lynda Carter TV show version. I retain some strong images from the show: her spinning transformation, using the lasso to get the bad guys, and the cool costume. Mostly, I think I just latched on to the idea of a female superhero, who was a strong lead character.

Flash forward 20 years or so. I felt an affinity for WW as a woman, seeing my aspirations for myself in her. In my idealized memory, she had hidden strength, restraint, common sense, independence, and the ability to save the world from peril (and she smiles while she does it)! As a new mom, I was inspired by this ideal.

Catching bad guys is fun!
Source: http://backseatcuddler.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/

Some days I feel like I am a suburban superhero. That used to happen occasionally, on the days when I did everything to cover for a sick or out-of-town husband. By everything, I mean getting the kids to child care/school, working full time, teaching at the dojo afterward, making dinner, helping with homework, and so on- and not forgetting to pack lunches! I was ready to drop at the end of the day. I'm sure every parent has those SuperParent days from time to time.

A year or two ago, my husband and I separated, and now I feel like I have those days all the time. Single parenting is exhausting. At first it was so overwhelming. I was still angry and in denial about how long this was going to go on. It's better now. The days where I feel like I ran the Mom Marathon are not as frequent. Or maybe they are, but I have figured out how to deal with them better. 

SuperMom abilities required... Transform!

Source: http://lovelifeicecream.blogspot.com/2010/03/satin-tights-lasso-of-truth.html

One day, on my desk at work I propped up a notebook with WW on the cover in various super poses and smiling all the while. It sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes get a little burst of encouragement on those days when I am having a bad day. I glance over at that picture and see WW smiling and proud of of making the world a better place.

A Fun and Frugal Birthday Party

Recently, some people at work were talking about how kids' birthday parties seem to be a pretty big deal nowadays. Not as over-the-top as some, but there is a lot of pressure to throw big parties, and there is a huge industry to take advantage of the parents. As a frugal mom, I tend to be more of a do-it-yourselfer. It's fun to do, it's different from other parties, and it can save a little money, too.

To be fair, there is something to be said for paying someone else to do the setup, entertainment, and cleanup for a party. Then you get to go home and relax (or at least bring the kids down from the sugar-high). I have done a few of those before. Last year, we did a skating party, and it was really nice to let someone else worry about everything- including the cake!

I've also had some home birthday parties that were very fun and memorable.  My daughter is very creative and likes doing projects with Mom, so she actively participated in planning and preparing for some of her previous parties.  I really treasure those memories.

Earlier this year, my daughter turned 7, and wanted to have a party for her friends.  I'm on a tight budget right now, but I didn't want my daughter to miss out.  I thought I could stretch my dollar more by having a home birthday party.  Here's what I think you need for the basic home party:

1. a theme
2. a few games/activities that go with the theme
3. decoration ideas on the cheap
4. an idea for a homemade cake
5. it helps to have an assistant

Theme
Invitations are the first way to introduce the theme to the guests.  You can buy them, but I find making them on the computer is really easy.  It actually saves time if you do it right.  Postcards or quarter-fold paper invitations require no envelopes to mail.  You can print the party information instead of hand-writing it 15 times.  And, they are cheaper than store-bought ones!

Daughter chose a butterfly theme for the party.  I was just happy that it wouldn't be anything to do with Disney Princesses.  I decided early on that I would make the invitations on the computer.  I downloaded some clip-art of butterflies to make my own quarter-fold invitations.  Daughter liked the invitations because of the clip art.  I also got several comments by moms on how easy they must have been for mailing.

Toilet Paper Relay

Games/Activities
This just requires a little creativity.  You can modify all kinds of games to fit your theme.  For example, you can do a sort of bean bag toss and alter the items you toss, or the bucket into which you toss the items to fit the theme.  I have also hidden an item that fits the theme around the house and the kids find it (e.g. "find the pumpkin, bear, etc.")

I remembered the toilet paper relay from my summer camp days, which I renamed to "Caterpillar Cocoon."  In this relay race you have teams that use a roll of toilet paper to wrap up one person.  The team with the most covered person at the end of the set time period wins.  The kids loved this activity.  It was really funny when they started bursting out of the "cocoon" and pretended to be butterflies.  I also hid tiny bags of candy containing gummy worms, etc. around the house.  The kids went on a scavenger hunt to "Find the Nectar."  Kids love to find things.  Just be sure you have clear boundaries as to where the items will and will not be hidden.

My daughter loves crafting of all kinds, so I figured that one of our activities should be a craft.  I had seen pens decorated with fake flowers at a craft show and thought that would be a fun and easy craft.  I had also seen some butterfly decorations at the local craft store that I though we could use with the flower pens to keep with the theme.  I had to buy a box of cheap pens, floral tape, fake flowers, and decorative butterflies (and bumblebees).  The kids each got to choose the flowers they wanted to use and the color of the butterfly or bumblebee pick.  We had a boy at the party, and even he enjoyed making it (he said it was for his mom).  All the kids had fun and wanted to make more than one.  Note: It may require an adult to get the floral tape started, but then the kids can finish wrapping the rest of the pen themselves. Also, the floral tape stays sticky for a while, but after a week or so it becomes less sticky from using the pen.

Decorations Ideas on the Cheap
You don't have to spend a lot of time or money on the decorations.  If you decorate the table tastefully with napkins and plates and have a cool cake or arranged cupcakes as a centerpiece, it functions as decoration, too.  Latex balloons are cheap decorations, too, but then of course, you have to deal with them after the party is over (pop pop pop) and they are one-time-use decorations.

I tend to save decorations from other parties, so I have a box from which to choose.  I figured I would just use some colored streamers, but I discovered some Lisa Frank banners, pennants, and hanging mobiles in the box when I opened it.  Some of these girly decorations had butterflies and fairies on them, but others didn't.  Daughter thought they were awesome anyways, because they were pink and girly.  I had previously bought some plastic solid-color tablecloths from the party store on clearance at some point in time, and had some leftover flower paper plates and napkins, so I used those, too.

The Cake

Cupcake tower with decorating goodies.

Samples of the completed masterpieces.

Whether you get a store-bought cake or make your own, it all comes down to personal preference.  There are several reasons I like homemade cakes:

• My mom always made them.  
• They are cheaper than store-bought.  
• I don't care for most kinds of store frosting (too much sugar, cream, or BULK).
• They are unique and are made with TLC.

I sort of had an idea to make a butterfly-shaped cake.  I am not a professional cake-decorator, and most of the ideas out there were for elaborate fondant cakes.  Not going to happen!  So I decided that we could decorate the cupcakes to look like butterflies on top.  Then I had an inspiration that the kids could decorate their own cupcake and that would be another game/activity for the kids.  I bought candies like gumdrops, pillow mints, licorice whips, m&ms, gummy worms, and large pretzels (broken in half, they look like butterfly wings).  The kids loved this activity.  One thing I did not count on was how much candy sampling was going on.  I hadn't intended to fill them with that much sugar.  We had enough cupcakes for the kids to eat one and take one home for later, so they got to decorate two.

My attempt at the butterfly cake pattern.

I still had the idea for decorating a cake in my brain, and I think I was compelled to satisfy my creative urges at the expense of common sense, again.  Once I found a nice butterfly cake pattern, I decided to make the cake despite us already doing the cupcakes.  Unfortunately, I waited until the day of the party to actually cut and frost the thing, so it wasn't as good as my perfectionist self would have liked.  My daughter, though, LOVED it, which is all that matters.

A Helpful Assistant
I always seem to forget this part in my zeal, but luckily, these kids were all really well-behaved.  My mother-in-law attended the party, and another mom was there, and they both helped the kids making the flower pens, which gave me a chance to cut the flowers to length.  I did have all the materials ready on the table for the craft, but next time, I would have them all cut to the right length ahead of time.

Non-Gift Bags with projects to take home.

Other
Gift Bags- I'm not a huge fan of gift bags.  They are fun to do, but really add to the cost of a party.  You are already giving them the cake and games- having fun (not getting stuff).  I did provide colored paper bags they could use to take home the crafts and cupcakes they made, and the candy bags they found in the "nectar hunt."  It was functional, and it wasn't just full of $5 worth of cheap plastic crap to clutter up their house.

Gifts- Daughter's birthday is in February, which is really just over a month from Christmas.  Before the invitations went out, we talked about how she really had a lot of toys, already.  We already have a policy, that if she gets a new toy, she has to get rid of something else (her room is stuffed to capacity).  Since a lot of her stuff was new, I proposed that we asked for "no gifts" at the party.  As I type this, I know that makes me sound like a cruel parent.  The presents is what kids look forward to the most, it seems.  Daughter had, however, already received so many birthday gifts from family members prior to the party, that she really was NOT missing out.  After attending a friend's party where they had people bring cat/dog food to donate to an animal shelter instead of gifts for the birthday kid, we decided to ask for food donations for the local food bank at our party. We collected a huge box of of canned goods, and my daughter got to feel really generous in giving it all to the needy.  I was so proud of her!


The Verdict
Success!  After the games, the craft, the cupcake decorating, and singing Happy Birthday, I let the kids have unstructured play time.  They went to my kids' rooms to play with all their toys and had the most fun.  We had planned to do the "Find the Nectar" game outside and have outside playtime, but it was wet and muddy out, so we did it all indoors. The free choice playtime was great, as it allowed me to visit with the parents while all the kids had a great time playing and pretending with "new" toys. Daughter said it was "the best birthday party ever," which is just what I wanted to hear.  I was tired out afterwards, but it was a fun and memorable party!

Firefly + Muppets = Firefrog

I sooooo miss the show Firefly.  I was reminded by it when I saw this "shiny" artwork which casts Muppets (and Fraggles) as characters from Firefly (via The Mary Sue).  A marriage of two of my favorite shows!  It made me laugh out loud.

If you enjoyed it, you should check out James Hance's blog, which shows close-ups of the characters and the progress of the work.

If you were geeking-out, the way I was, head over to his website, which shows muppets blended with movies, famous paintings, and shows from the 80's (right up my alley!).  [As a side note, it looks like he's got a pretty sweet daughter who has some medical issues, for whom you can submit donations.]  I think my favorites are Wembley as Wash and Mokey as River.

If you haven't seen Firefly, you are missing out.  It is a great show with a huge following that was unfairly cut way too soon.  Go borrow it from a friend or watch in online.  You won't regret it!

*sigh*  I think I'm going to have to watch the show again!

Appeasing the Creative Beast Within- Another Last-Minute Craft

My daughter's last day of school is tomorrow, and we thought we ought to give her teacher a gift.  Of course we didn't talk about it until yesterday.  Instead of just having my daughter just make her a nice card, or pull out one of those "thank you" cards I keep for emergencies, we decided to make her a Kafflower brooch from a pattern we had bought at the craft store a few months ago.  We were going to make Mother's Day gifts from it, but never got around to it....*sigh*

my daughter's Kafflower brooch

Anyways, last night I cut out the fabric pieces and tonight I assisted my daughter in putting it together.  She did all the sewing of the petals herself!  I sewed the center puffball together and she helped hot-glue everything into place.  It turned out really nice.  I'm proud of her and she is proud of her gift.

Incidentally, if you crafty folks out there want a quick project you can take on the road with you or accomplish a couple in a weekend, the Kafflower seemed to be pretty easy and turned out cute!  I think it would be a great one for crafty kids (my 7-year-old daughter loved it).

I got lucky with this project.  It turned out to be pretty easy to get done.  The hardest part was finding a pin bar to use with it (I forgot to run to the craft store for this crucial item, but I managed to appropriate an abandoned one I found in my jewelry box).

Quite often, I begin a last-minute project like this with good intentions and end up staying up all hours of the night to finish something that wasn't required in the first place.

Here are some examples of my zeal totally overruling reason and discretion to appease the creative beast within:

• various Halloween costumes
• scrapbook for our foreign exchange student
• shadow box for retiring coworker
• homemade potholders for wedding gifts
• crafts sold at Holiday Bazaar

Just thinking of those projects actually makes me proud...  They were all begun with ridiculously short lead-time, but somehow I managed to pull them off.  What kind of madness is this?  It's not exactly an adrenaline rush, but similar.  I think I just seize any opportunity to express creativity because I don't exactly have a creative day job.  It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or Superman and Clark Kent.  Mild-mannered data monkey by day, amateur craftsman by night!  Okay, I'm not kidding anyone here.  "Mild-mannered" does not describe me... but that's a topic for another post.

And where does this ambition come from? Some of that was mentioned in a previous post.  Over the last few years, I have been discovering and embracing this creative side of myself.  I've been testing it out, and many times, even liking the result.  Sometimes, it's to "break a rule," or at least to defy conventionality.  Many times it is for purely aesthetic reasons- just to create something beautiful.

I suppose there are worse things in the world than starting too many projects at the last minute: apathy,  laziness, knowingly underwriting toxic mortgages, and talking in the movie theater (there's a special level in Hell for those folks) to name a few.

What is Zanshin?

Zanshin is written as two Japanese characters,  "残" (zan) and "心" (shin). These mean "remaining" or "lingering" and "spirit" (or "mind") respectively. 

In my first post on this blog, I talked a little bit about what meaning I give to the word zanshin.

"To me, zanshin also conveys the "fighting spirit" of the individual after the fight is over.  If victorious, there is a forward-looking awareness that does not lose focus by the victory.  If defeated, there is an indomitable spirit that is evident, with honor and grace."

For me, this blog represents a way to share my efforts to maintain my fighting spirit in the wake of separation and divorce.  Despite the pain and misery I go through, I resolve to look ahead with optimism and stay the course.  I will share the ways that I have found to cope with my feelings of anger and grief in a positive way.  It is my hope that the flashes of beauty and light to be found as I navigate my new life will bring inspiration to others who may be going through difficult times.

Today I want to talk a little more about the definition of zanshin.  I started looking around online for more information, and I was surprised to find quite a few other blogs with zanshin in their name.  I hadn't intended to copy anyone, but I guess that it just shows the power of the word, and the myriad ways to interpret it.

• Aikido for Beginners has an excellent post on zanshin as it relates to martial arts.
• A post in Kendo World talks about zanshin outside of the martial arts.  I especially like the part where Alex mentions lack of zanshin in mountaineering: 

Around 80% of climbing accidents happen not on the way up, but on the way down. The inexperienced climber reaches the summit and relaxes their guard on the descent, mistakenly thinking the battle is over.

• Bruce Lee is quoted at Zen Habits.  Although it doesn't use the word itself, many other people refer to "mind like water" being one way of understanding zanshin;

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."

• At Zanshin Art, Janet describes zanshin as "the state of relaxed alertness...in which artists create".  She also explores "the links between fine and martial arts" in her blog.
• ChangeForge is a blog about change management as it relates to corporate growth.  Ken Sterns mentions zanshin as balanced way to remain highly effective.  

"Relax but do not become complacent, seek to clear your mind of clutter, and maintain balance in mind, body, and spirit."

• Paul's Zanshin is a blog about business strategies, and Paul Nicholls refers to zanshin as a small business having "total awareness, readiness for anything, calm and centered yet prepared to act in a moment."
• I also saw zanshin as defined as readiness related to fitness training, fire-fighting, musicianship, and also as the name of a sailboat.

In Kyudo (Japanese archery), zanshin is the focus of the archer after the arrow is shot.

As a martial artist, I realize that a martial art (in my case, karate-do) is really a way of life, not merely something to learn.  After having my foundation shaken, I am seeking a new balance in my life.  I am discovering a "new me" and uncovering the "old me," or my inner spirit that persists.

The Spirit That Remains

I believe in the capacity for a person to improve their life, living situation, workflow, everything.  I am full of innovative ideas to make life better.  It seems to me that my life is full of projects in progress.  I am good at generating ideas, seeing all the possibilities, and making plans.

Sustainability is much more difficult for me.

I have several projects that go by the wayside whenever I shift my focus.  Papers pile up on the desk.  Mail lies on the counter.  Clothes gather on the floor.  I get things to a certain point of organization or cleanliness and enjoy it for a brief time, then I get lazy- *gasp* and let things go.

I am a busy person.  Perhaps I am just being a little critical.  Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations of myself.  Most likely!  There is no way I can excel at all things, though I live as though it is the goal.  There is no way that every room in the house will be clean a the same time, or that the yard will ever be in a state of completion, or that the desk will remain paper free.

The state of cleanliness is a temporary pause in the everyday chaos of life.  It's like a breath of fresh air.  You pause to enjoy it while it lasts.  Then, life happens.  Chaos resumes.  Shortcuts are taken.  

The state of disorder is a sign of the presence of activity, and thus, life.

Order, really, is quite artificial, when you think about it.  Giving the appearance of calm, control, and casual disinterest, when the reality is different.  There are those people out there whose homes are always immaculate, even when you come over unexpectedly.  FYI- I am not one of those people.

Whenever I visit the home of one such person, I am in awe.  "How do they do it?  I admire the peaceful feelings inspired by such order and simplicity.  It looks like something out of a magazine.

But soon I think, "there's something missing here."  There's no evidence of clothes being worn, meals prepared, chores to be done, or bills to pay.  I  am always suspicious in those people's homes, especially if they have children (it seems to me impossible to coordinate all those people to not spread out their belongings across the house all on the same day).  Really, I feel relief when I discover a mess: evidence of a meal, dirty towels in the bathroom, an overflowing garbage can.  I think to myself, "these people are normal, they have a mess.  They are more like me than unlike me.  They have busy lives, too."

If I feel more affinity for these "imperfect" people, why do I still feel driven to perfection?

• I am competitive and enjoy a difficult (or impossible) challenge.
• I strive to attain balance in my life.
• I am an optimist and believe there is always a way to make something better.
• I don't like to rest on my laurels too long.  I am always up for another project.  Some might say this is an inability to be satisfied.  I prefer to think of it as being energized by making a difference.

And also, I have discovered in the last few years another reason:

• When I feel that I have lost control of a certain aspect of my life, I may take up another part with zeal to gain a sense of control.

It may go along with striving for balance (above), but I have noticed it a lot in relation to my house lately.  I have been going through a separation and divorce in the last two years, and so I have tried to restore order to the chaos I feel inside by fixing things that I can control.  My yard has never looked better.  There are several structural and aesthetic things inside my house that I have been able to improve.  I have gotten rid of a lot of unnecessary "stuff" in a quest to simplify.

For me, these improvements are not just practical, visible changes, but they are a conscious effort on my part to improve my life and bring happiness and satisfaction to my life.  Some people transform themselves after divorce.  I think for me, I am transforming everything around me.

In martial arts, zanshin is the state of readiness after an encounter.  It is continued alertness, more than just a posture, but total awareness.  This awareness continues through hits and takedowns, and even beyond the cessation of the conflict.

To me, zanshin also conveys the "fighting spirit" of the individual after the fight is over.  If victorious, there is a forward-looking awareness that does not lose focus by the victory.  If defeated, there is an indomitable spirit that is evident, with honor and grace.