Sunshine in the Corner

Today a co-worker asked me what has happened to make me happy.

I had just walked in the door and smiled at him as I went to my desk. He is familiar with what has been going on in my life, and from time to time he checks up on how I am doing. He said he has observed that I am smiling a lot more lately. "It's like sunshine coming from your corner of the office."

What a wonderful testament to my progress, and such a sweet, kind way for him to express it. It warmed my heart even more (Thank you Co-worker!). It also gladdened me that someone else has observed my mood. As an aside, I feel a little guilty now for all the times that I walked through the door with a tired, angry, tearful, dejected, or apathetic look on my face, which also must have been noticed (I apologize, everyone!).

I agreed with his assessment, but I couldn't really name a reason for the change in me except that I am exercising and that the sunny weather makes me feel good.  The simplest explanation for the change in me is that I have finally found joy.

Of course I have been making efforts to help myself overcome the depression and anger I have felt over the past three years (has it been that long? Ugh!). Those efforts have really started to snowball, and the momentum is increasing.  But there are two major things that I think have really contributed to my joy.

Nurturing Myself
I knew taking care of me was something I had to do, even if I didn't feel motivated to do it.  I didn't really know where to start, and for a while I was merely going through the motions.  Slowly, it evolved to actually enjoying what I was doing and looking forward to the various things that helped me remember who I was before.  In remembering what used to bring me joy, I have rekindled the life inside me.  It has allowed me to reconcile with myself, and to look forward to new things.

Connecting With Others
I am somewhat extroverted, and get energy from being with other people. For a variety of reasons, I had become somewhat isolated in my life.  When I was depressed, it was even worse.  I was lost inside my own head, miserable, and lonely.  Eventually, I realized I had to get around some happy people.  I asked myself, "what kind of friends do I want?"  I answered, "the kind that do fun things I like to do."  Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I had to start actually doing those activities again.  The friendships would follow.  Also, reconnecting with my old friends has been really helpful.  They know me well and we have lots to laugh about already.

A Two-Pronged Approach
I'm sure we have all heard the old adage that in order for others to love you, you have to love yourself first.  I think I had forgotten how to love myself, really even doubted whether I was worth loving after all that had happened.  Once I started to come out of that, I could appreciate myself, and imagine others appreciating me, too.  Once I made efforts to socialize, and remembered the pleasure it brings me, I wanted to be a person with whom others would want as a friend.

I have to become the person I want my friends to be.  I want to be around active, fun people, who take care of themselves, balancing mind, body and spirit.  That means I have to strive for those things within myself.

I am so happy that I am finally starting to see positive change in myself, and gratified that others are noticing it, too.

"We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do." 

- Mahatma Gandhi, political and spiritual leader (1869-1948)

Find Happiness, "Don't Settle"- Steve Jobs

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." 

- Steve Jobs

Steve holding an iPhone 4 in 2010.
Source: Wikipedia

The entrepeneur, innovator, and artist Steve Jobs died yesterday. The world has lost a great person. I obviously never met him, but as an observer, what I always appreciated about Steve are his drive for perfection, unconventionality, and his down-to-earth personality. These attributes led to high-quality products that changed the world. I do not believe that is an exaggeration.

A few years ago, I was forwarded the text to his now famous 2005 commencement address for Stanford. Now that he is gone, people are quoting it in the media, and I read it again. There are some great statements in there about Steve's view of life that really ring true for me.

I also was inspired by the part where he talks about dealing with loss after being ousted from the company he founded:

"So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating."

I can relate to this sort of loss and humiliation. It's not like something was missing from my life, it is that my life didn't even seem to resemble what it once was. I had somehow skipped to a parallel universe of misery.

"I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life."

I don't know if this divorce is "the best thing that could have ever happened to me," but I do know that we don't always understand the reason that things happen while we are in the midst of them. Perhaps, someday, I will look back and see the reason behind this and how it all fits into the overall plan. Right now, I am experiencing that feeling of "being a beginner again, less sure about everything." It is uncomfortable in some aspects, but in others, it is liberating. It feels strange that anything good can come out of divorce, or any kind of loss; It is a time of rediscovery and growth for myself. I have accomplished things I had never imagined before.

Steve encouraged the graduates to strive for work and relationships (life) that will fulfill them. "If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." I love how Steve actually says, "don't settle," twice. It's important enough to keep striving for, and when one encounters problems on the way one must press on.

I know that inner peace is out there for me, and I won't give up. I have a fighting spirit that won't be kept down for long.

Weather the Storms

Life is rough. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. Sometimes I wish I could rewind back to a "happier" or "more innocent" time in my life, before some of my problems began. I imagine, despite my lack of life experience at the time, things were "better" then. I've even found myself wistfully looking in the mirror remembering younger days.  I've noticed lately that I can see my gray hairs in the mirror from a distance now- no squinting required!

The evidence of our past, rather than marring perfection, brings a beauty that comes from the richness of experience. Like a piece of furniture that gains from a certain amount of use and wear, we carry a unique fingerprint of our lives upon our bodies, and upon our very souls.

Life has a way of tearing us down and building us back up again. We are not the same afterward, but we are still whole and beautiful. I love this movie I found today via The Mary Sue, in which a little boat weathers many challenges and survives.

Little Boat from nelson boles on Vimeo.

Everyone has bad experiences and hardships. We can choose to carry the marks as ugly scars, or we can allow them make us more colorful and unique.

Weather the storms. Love who you have become. You are rare and wonderful.

Overcoming Adversity: Be Like the Willow

"The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character."

-Walter Scott, novelist and poet (1771-1832) 

Traditionally, the oak tree gets a lot of respect. Oaks are solid, long-living, and branch out widely providing a lot of shade. Even the wood, once cut and put to use, is very hard with a beautiful grain. In literature they represent endurance, strength, courage, and tradition, among other things.

http://free-extras.com/images/willow_tree-11941.htm

Flexible willows are less strong, but are still quite useful in baskets, furniture, sculptures and fences. The willow is widely known for its medicinal properties, including salicin (in the aspirin family). Symbolically, willows conjure images of dreams, mourning, or even death.

I wonder if Walter Scott was thinking of "great calamities" in general, or romantic "tempests," or both? I think it makes sense either way. The romantic meaning is quite interesting, especially in light of the masculine symbolism of the oak and the feminine imagery of the willow. Surely he was also familiar with Shakespeare's use of willow imagery representing lost or forsaken love with his tragic heroines.

In a more general meaning for the "great calamities" of life, Scott's aphorism says that in life we can be stubborn and immovable, but it does not always serve us well. A person who stands clinging to their reality may not rally as well as one who is more flexible and adapts to the new reality.

This reminds me of another proverb:

"Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind."

-Bruce Lee, martial artist, actor, philosopher (1940-1973)

Certain changes in life are unavoidable, and painful. They cannot be stopped by sheer force of will, which is something I have had to learn. I have to let these changes happen, weather the storm, and slowly bend back in recovery. As part of a grief process, this is part of the acceptance phase, I suppose. If I remained an oak, I might be destroyed by my own obstinacy.

Every day, I have to let go of something: old dreams, bitterness, worries. I must let go of these in order to move on and see an end to the storm so the next phase of my life can begin. For me, a high achiever who never gives up, this is counter-intuitive. But I am trying. It's hard. I have to keep reminding myself:

Be like the willow.

Ready to Fly

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings."

-Victor Hugo, writer, artist, statesman

Photo by Les Dublin.
http://www.ojaigarden.com/2008/03/bluebirds.shtml

This whole divorce thing really knocked me for a loop. Someone unexpectedly came and shook the branch upon which I was sitting. I think I fell for a while, maybe hitting a few branches on the way down, forgetting to sing, screeching in alarm.

I'm not sure, but I don't think I hit the bottom. I think I managed to thrash and struggle enough to avoid hitting the pavement. I'm still floundering around as I get my bearings. I have good days and bad days.

On my good days, I feel that I can get through this. I remember who I am inside and that I am whole, despite being injured. I am more than the something bad that has happened to me; It does not define me.

On my bad days, I have to remind myself of that.

I will fly back up to the treetop. My strength will come from the knowledge that I have the spirit to survive. I will have confidence to alight on the branch again, knowing I can weather what comes next. My wits will be sharp, and I will be ready to fly. 

Being Alone Can Be Beautiful

I came across this lovely video about how to be alone.  It's a gentle reminder for those who are unsure or are afraid of being alone, that it is okay. I found it very comforting. It reassures that being alone is not a bad thing. Being alone can lead to introspection and self-knowledge, as well as awareness and appreciation of one's surroundings. It can be very beautiful.

There is a lot of pressure out there to be in a relationship with someone, to hang out with people, or to talk on the phone at all times. It seems the consensus is that if you don't have people to talk to or be with, you must not be very important.

I believe there is also a profound societal compulsion to be "social" online. It seems to say, "Put yourself out there and force the world to interact with you! More "friends," more "followers," more commenters!" If you can't be with people in person,  you should be interacting with them in the online world, because apparently, it is bad to be alone for even a few minutes.

Of course I know that humans are social creatures, and have survived throughout time be living and working together. I am a very social person. I love being with friends as much as the next person. And I do find benefits in the use of online social networks. I'm not arguing for perpetual isolation and solitude. I am arguing, however, that being alone from time to time is undervalued and even devalued by society.

When my children started spending some weekends with their dad (my ex), I had alone time forced upon me. It was difficult and well, lonely, at first. I didn't know what to do with myself. I filled up this time with tasks and projects to distract myself. Even though I was busy, I found myself doing a lot of thinking about things, both pleasant and unpleasant. It was beneficial, however, to face my thoughts and feelings, though I was fearful of being overwhelmed by them at first.

I later began to embrace my alone time as "time off," or "me time." I had to become reacquainted with myself, since it had been so long since I had lived on my own. I remembered what it was like to slow down and linger over things that I cared about. I had time to shop in the grocery store at my own pace. I relearned what my interests were and started to pursue them. I enjoyed less structure with only myself to answer to. I also tried new things, like taking myself to dinner and a movie.

I really believe that these times by myself helped me be more comfortable with myself. I became more centered and self-aware. Being alone helped me feel that doing what I wanted was not necessarily selfish or irrelevant. It can be fulfilling to exercise independence and it can be freeing to know that, for a moment in time, the only expectations of you are your own.

I Want To Give Up

Some days it is so hard to keep my chin up. It seems like there are so many hurdles in my way. I am so tired of trying so hard for every single thing. I want to curl up on the floor and lie there for a long, long time. I wish someone would put me out of my misery. I could run away and leave my troubles behind.... right now.  Just take off running and not stop for a while.

Then, I start feeling a little foolish. It is not that bad. No one died- even though it feels like it. I still have my beautiful children. We have a place to live. I have a job. Things could be way worse.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_sep2006/DontEverGiveUp.htm

After a while, I stop imagining myself escaping from my troubles and lamenting my situation, but I still feel unfortunate and a trifle beat up. It's so hard to motivate myself to keep going. I have to stop looking about me at what is wrong, and look ahead to when things will be better, to what I want after this whole mess is behind me. If I can just stick it out long enough, the pain will go away and I'll be so glad I didn't give up.

I have dark days sometimes.  Sad, depressed, angry, resentful, jealous. I just have to remember the sun will come back.