I had just walked in the door and smiled at him as I went to my desk. He is familiar with what has been going on in my life, and from time to time he checks up on how I am doing. He said he has observed that I am smiling a lot more lately. "It's like sunshine coming from your corner of the office."
What a wonderful testament to my progress, and such a sweet, kind way for him to express it. It warmed my heart even more (Thank you Co-worker!). It also gladdened me that someone else has observed my mood. As an aside, I feel a little guilty now for all the times that I walked through the door with a tired, angry, tearful, dejected, or apathetic look on my face, which also must have been noticed (I apologize, everyone!).
I agreed with his assessment, but I couldn't really name a reason for the change in me except that I am exercising and that the sunny weather makes me feel good. The simplest explanation for the change in me is that I have finally found joy.
Of course I have been making efforts to help myself overcome the depression and anger I have felt over the past three years (has it been that long? Ugh!). Those efforts have really started to snowball, and the momentum is increasing. But there are two major things that I think have really contributed to my joy.
Nurturing Myself
I knew taking care of me was something I had to do, even if I didn't feel motivated to do it. I didn't really know where to start, and for a while I was merely going through the motions. Slowly, it evolved to actually enjoying what I was doing and looking forward to the various things that helped me remember who I was before. In remembering what used to bring me joy, I have rekindled the life inside me. It has allowed me to reconcile with myself, and to look forward to new things.
Connecting With Others
I am somewhat extroverted, and get energy from being with other people. For a variety of reasons, I had become somewhat isolated in my life. When I was depressed, it was even worse. I was lost inside my own head, miserable, and lonely. Eventually, I realized I had to get around some happy people. I asked myself, "what kind of friends do I want?" I answered, "the kind that do fun things I like to do." Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I had to start actually doing those activities again. The friendships would follow. Also, reconnecting with my old friends has been really helpful. They know me well and we have lots to laugh about already.
A Two-Pronged Approach
I'm sure we have all heard the old adage that in order for others to love you, you have to love yourself first. I think I had forgotten how to love myself, really even doubted whether I was worth loving after all that had happened. Once I started to come out of that, I could appreciate myself, and imagine others appreciating me, too. Once I made efforts to socialize, and remembered the pleasure it brings me, I wanted to be a person with whom others would want as a friend.
I have to become the person I want my friends to be. I want to be around active, fun people, who take care of themselves, balancing mind, body and spirit. That means I have to strive for those things within myself.
I am so happy that I am finally starting to see positive change in myself, and gratified that others are noticing it, too.
"We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do."
- Mahatma Gandhi, political and spiritual leader (1869-1948)
